Friday, December 2, 2011


Tonight I attended a Christian concert for Casting Crowns  ! 

I cant even begin to tell you how awesome it feels to be in a place filled with thousands of people young and old, just jammin out for the Glory of God. 

Casting Crowns is such a humble group of people. Their talents are beyond great! Lord is working in their lives, and they show how much passion they have for him in such a refreshing humbling way. I loved it. 

Sanctus Real was one of the opening acts that we got to see as well, The lead singer really relates. Such beautiful lyrics and emotion, heart tugging and opening. Loved it!

Thank you for sharing your gifts!

However, this blog isn't about all the good feeling stuff that I/people often feel when we go to church on Sunday or sing a few Christian songs off the radio...

This blog is about ME admitting that I am a TRAIN WRECK! 

There were two songs that really touched me below I will explain why. 

So, the Lead singer of Casting Crowns Mark Hall, is also a youth pastor at his church, and in Christian concerts the people of the band will often give testimony about things that happened in their lives and times they communicated love to and with God. In one of his prayers he said " Lord, we are your children... and we are given salvation through your mercy only .. Not because we attend church every Sunday, or sing christian songs. (not to be confused with why we need to attend church) We are not better than anyone else , most of us are all messed up ... just Train Wrecks". As my head was bowed and my eyes were closed, I shouted AMEN! I think I might have been the only one... Mostly you get an Amen when something good was just said.. but I Amen'd! the fact that I am a TRAIN WRECK! as the prayer ended he went into a song...." Jesus friend of sinners". Wow! I was in such tears ... 
These were tears of conviction. 

Now to better explain why this touched me so much.... I have to be honest with you, 
and thats what this blog is all about right. 
I admit to having judged my family and their understanding of God and what he expects. I dont mean to ... I dont want to... but I have at times, I have pointed my finger and said shame on you. Worse than that, I have felt upset because they were "doing it wrong". 
( this is not to say that I haven't praised them or felt honored and encouraged by their growth )  
See, right before my husband returned from his 6month long tour, I spent the last month and half away from the world. I spent every waking moment in consecration. I prayed on my knees and on my face, I read daily, I sung out loud, I talked with God. I found my path and I was on it but good! It was the most happiest time in my entire existence.!! ( which I came to the conclusion, its easy to be a christian, when you dont have to live with anyone. LOL ) So naturally I wanted to share the moment with my husband and children. I raved on and on how beautiful the feeling was and how clear life had become. I had a Father who loved me for who I was, and through my faith he healed many of my pains... emotional and physical. 
It was the best place that anyone could ever hope to be! 
Its salvation! Grace! Mercy! 

There is two parts to why I have found myself upset about things.. first lets talk about the family...

Of course my family didnt "dislike" my changes, but they didnt know what to make of it, and didnt believe that they really really could feel the same awakening. I was patient at first... then when I saw that my life was being lead in a different direction at a different time than theirs.. well.. 
That is when it turned hard for me.. that is when I noticed I was "trying" to get them to see something I alone could never get them to see. ( Read :SPEAK NO EVIL HEAR NO GOSPEL to get a better understanding)  Naturally when you love someone you want to see them not hurt.. so you try to show them again and again where the WELL is. (the well being the spring of life = Jesus) Like the saying goes... " you can bring em to the well but you cant make em drink". Before long.. attempts to let His light shine through me, became in vain. There was so much I wanted them to experience, that I became desperate for them to "get it". With desperation comes anxiety, frustration, expectation, and confusion! ( Confusion is a clever work of the enemy by the way)
Finally I just said God, its in your hands. He then said " as it should always be". See, its not my responsibility to see that they "get it"; In other words, I'm not responsible for their personal salvation. What God wanted and wants me to do is focus on MY relationship with Him, focus on dedicating my life and love to him, and through me.. without me driving the path... HE will reach them, and bring them to feel his mercy and grace. He has the power to save .. not me. Now you think that would be obvious... and it is. BUT when you love your family soo much its hard not to intervene. I wanted so much to help them understand and I wanted so much to be fully yolked in my home... that I was putting soo much pressure at times, which made them oppose all my teachings. Plenty of the credit goes to the enemy, but I have to take credit for it too. Again, it was not my job. As a Wife and a Mother I am to Pray. Pray for them .. pray over them.. and He will do the rest. So I finally cut all that mumbo jumbo out.. and realized, YES! I do wish that we were all so crazy in love with God like Radical Mom! I do wish that we all knew how and what to say and do for one another in each others time of need. I do wish that I was not the only one saying prayers at dinner, or praying alone at night. I do wish we were all so much better than we are now in our walks with the Living God. More importantly I wished that we all would completely lean on Jesus to assist us through life and through struggles and learn from His words. This would put less pressure all around... cause my family needs.. they have a thirst.. that I can not quench. 
HOWEVER! I know God has heard my cry of loneliness in the home and he has promised to deliver...
 I have to remind myself that ...

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD
~Isaiah 55:8

The second thing I have realized: I hurt for Jesus. When I see someone who knows the word, knows Jesus knows what is in store for them if they would humble themselves to God He will guide then and quench them beyond what our simple minds can perceive. ... and yet... they are defiant or in disbelief... wow that hurts. I relate a smidgen because I am a mother of 4 and often feel like though I continue to love and provide for my family all that they need.. I still go unnoticed, un appreciated and when their needs aren't met by the world . .. I get the blunt end of the stick. The love they have for me is often only shown after they get something or are asking for something. So naturally when I see a member of my family going against the Lords best wishes, I feel the pain.. I feel like saying " how ungrateful are you". I dont, Cause I know its not my place.. but I remind them to be thankful for all they DO have, and to understand that the Lord is waiting to bless them with even more if they would just turn to him and trust. sigh.. but it hurts.. it hurts when I see Jesus denied. Then it hurts to know that I too have been in defiance to my Lord. When I worry! In a sense I am saying I do not trust God enough to revive the situation. Oh boy then it turns into a whole ball of pain and guilt.. and I just wanna trow myself into a closet and Whip my flesh!! LOL.. seriously! So here is what the bible says about worry.. and about hurt...

Matthew 6:25-34

New International Version (NIV)

Do Not Worry JESUS said...
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

James1 :19 ~

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;

Matthew 5:4  ~ 
Blessed are those who Mourn for they will be comforted

The next song made me realize....
It has been easier for me to love and accept non believers who are strangers or friends then it was my family members. I would always feel a great need to "be there" for that stranger or friend. So why wasnt it the same for my family?? Why didnt I feel heartbreak for my family when they were confused with life, or afraid, or angry.... and lost. Why am I such a jerk at times. How does one love another so much to then make them feel like they aren't "doing it right"?

Answer: Because I too have been going to my family for water! 
This brings me to the second song that had me in tears..

(Side note, I have heard this song a hundred times.. but it wasn't until I heard it with open ears and heart did I really HEAR the message)

Just a quick background, my Mother and a Father are strangers to me.Neither have been in my life for over 20 years. I dont know them anymore than I know the stranger reading this, and I also know that isn't the way God intended a Parent child relationship to go. 
 Unfortunately I had a very hard and scary childhood. 
I have forgiven them both long ago and love them forever. 
That being true, I admit there has been a thirst.. an sort of emptiness all my life. Now lest go back to my family....
So here I am with my husband a male like my father, my son also a male... my daughters and me. ... and I find myself ...thirsty. I guess somehow I uncontiously thought, "if they could only believe in what I say, trust me that God is Truth..we would all be so much closer and love better and be full.. filled... no longer empty". I was searching for them to not only be saved for their sake but somehow I managed to turn it into mine as well. I needed to feel acceptance and love, trust, unity and comfort, I needed to feel that I matter, and I made a difference. When my family fell short of that need.... I felt alone. I fell into a dark pit of expectation, and judgment. Dont get me wrong... I always knew it was me who needed to get on my knees and pray for forgiveness for seeing them in that way. I have said many sorry's even when I did nothing was for my thoughts that I am always saying sorry. My sorry is for putting that expectation between the love I have for them. When it wasn't met, the feelings became disappointment. Not cause they were "doing it wrong", now it was because they werent giving me enough. 
( sorry if this is not making much sense.. its hard to explain). 
What I can explain is exactly this... I learned through this song and through Marks explanation of the song.... 
Is that I was coming to the hole in the ground and not the Well of life. 
See, God is the Well Spring of life! Jesus says... 

"but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” ~ John 4:14

I have what you need, but you keep on searching
Ive done all the work, but you keep on working
When your running on empty and you cant find the remedy 
Just come to the Well. 
~ Casting Crowns "The Well"

This comes from the story of the Samaritan woman at the well who meets and talks to Jesus

When I am running on empty and the world is not filling my voids.. I have to remember... Jesus is the only one who can fill my needs. Beautifully put by Mark Hall... God has crafted us so perfectly that he knew that only HE could fill those wants, those empty spots, those comforts... Those who thirst daily can turn to Him and Come to His well.. and never thirst again. Amen!! 

So in conclusion..(cause I can go on and on forever and its already 130am) I will say this... 

1: I have no business judging anyone least bit my family. I DO love them immensely, and in order to show that I must love God more! I love him first! Then I learn to love them in the best way. 
2: I need to learn how to stop coming to the world when I thirst. My family love me, and they care about me greatly. I know they want to give me all they have even when they dont know what that is or looks like. Still, the only place my thirst can be quenched is in Jesus! He is my well spring of LIFE. I have to learn to lean on him for fulfillment and he promises to never let me down, always accept me, always be proud of my achievements, always encourage me, always make me feel I am important, I am loved... 
And for no other reason than ... He Loves Me TRAIN WRECK and all!! 
I believe with my whole heart JESUS is the truth the way and the life! AMEN!

Whew... that's a lot off my chest! 
There is all kinds of "meat and potatoes" I left out in this.. but I dont want to give out all the details and thoughts. I may decide to write a book one day, and you wont buy it cause you already read it here! LOL. If there is something that is confusing in the this blog, please feel free to leave a comment, and I will try to elaborate. :) 

Thank you for your interest. 
If there is anything to understand about following the Narrow path.. is that its HARD!!
 BUT.. God promises will never return void!!! Thank you JESUS!!

Be Blessed!