(CLICK THE VIDEO TO PLAY WHILE YOU READ)
SPEAK NO EVIL!.... Hear No Gospel!
So, this is going to be a less "thought out" blog, and more of an emotional blog. Which, is the best way to write!!
So, for the past few days I have been struggling with many things. Mostly with myself and my patience! You could say my cup spilleth over till nothing but drops of it was left. This was not pleasing to me, to say the least! I was feeling ill spiritually. I was able to say the words but lost communication with the feelings. I knew the way, walked the path.. but the feeling.. the Holy Spirit! was faint in me. Why?? I didnt know! I still dont know why... but I tried to find out. I tried to read more of the words of God. I watched more TBN.. hoping that a pastor would jump up and say "slap yo self and proclaim you have the spirit" .. but nada. On Sunday, I went to church and prayed for my family, prayed for patience.. and prayed that God would return the Spirit to me, ( I have to add that the Sunday before last, I went to church and felt so overwhelmed with the Holy Spirit I felt the language of tongues) Now here I was this Sunday.. wondering where it went.. I didnt find it at church this past service.
I dove into my bible. The book of Revelations, from three different books! ( all the same but explained in simpler and simpler terms) Perhaps I thought I would feel the Spirit if I scared myself! lol. Nope.
Meanwhile, the spiritual warfare was full on in my home. My son was once again giving into his temptations and hitting his sister, he tore a very personal book of hers and it made us all sad. He was so sad about what he did he became angry about it. His anger continues to fixate itself on me. Then my daughter confesses to me that she had been hiding the fact that she had 8! folder marks given to her over the past few weeks. She had folder marks in the past... but maybe one or two through the year, NOT 8 in two weeks.I was completely shocked (she's the good kid). Then the struggles I have with my husband, seemed to still be stuck in limbo. He is still trying to take it all in, and understand my "new" faith! One minute he's on board then the next minute entertained and then the next in disbelief. Its been a struggle to say the least.
Externally I have put on the Armor of God everyday .. I have proclaimed my faith, and rebuked the devil. YET.. internally I have been saying, Hurry up... and .. why haven't they understood yet!?! I have wept for my family who has yet to see as I see, and feel as I feel... er felt. Cause little by little (I realize now, that I was more focused on "helping" aka "making" them see.. than listening, hearing and glorifying God for myself) . I was not listening as I should, not feeling as I once was. I was sad.
Sunday! Pastor Mathew, gave a message straight to me! Straight to me no lie!! lol. Telling me to stop fighting a battle that is already won!! God will not return void on his promise! And I may be just exhausting myself cause he has already answered my pray and granted that of which I ask... and yet I keep getting up every morning and fighting and pushing and thrusting... and nothing seems right. Why?
Cause Gods ways are not my ways. He will answer prayers but in the way He knows they need to be answered.
Isaiah 55:9 For [as] the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Cause Gods ways are not my ways. He will answer prayers but in the way He knows they need to be answered.
Isaiah 55:9 For [as] the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
This morning... I was at an all time low. I felt the spirit gone from me, I didnt know why...and felt more confused than ever. So I prayed! I proclaimed! I marched throughout my home reading the proclamations of protection and servant-hood.I sang and I rejoiced! Then after a short period of internet surfing, I spoke to my husband about an idea I had. I could sense the disapproval or uneasiness as we talked, I asked that we talk calmly he agreed. Then, at the first sign of disagreement, I retaliated! I raged! I cursed! I spat! I screamed so loud .. I lost my voice! I felt an anger in me that hadn't been there in a very long time. And then........ I felt nothing. I went outside to smoke a cigarette. I was shaking, I became nauseous, I was sad.. and I felt alone and lost. Now what? I asked in my head repeatedly.... NOW WHAT?! ... Now... what... The first thought in my head.. SILENCE!
Just Silence.. no real instructions.. (which is hard cause us Americans need a real map these days! ) Just the thought.. Silence. So, I put out my cigarette and walked back in and proclaimed in a calm manner, to my husband;
I am sorry. I cursed you and I spoke to you with anger. I was wrong. I allowed anger enter my heart and the wicked one has rejoiced. I didn't humble myself to you and for the glory of God, and I have made a mistake. Please forgive me. Then I asked God to forgive me. Then I forgave myself. Next, I proclaimed that I was going to humble my tongue by taking a "vow" or commitment to silence. I said I wouldn't talk until GOD gave me the words to say. That was that. I really didnt know what else to do. I didnt want to use words of hurt, and I was all prayed out it seemed! Of course my husband rejected and argued and then pleaded that I give up that idea.Still I stood firm. I felt it needed to be done. I didn't want to lose patience with my children or my husband. I didnt want to demand that the Lord give ME anything. I was so stressed and desperate for my family to LOVE God like I do, to create a relationship with him as I have, to understand that their salvation has been given to them if they just find their way to the cross. Not for my benefit but for theirs! All really heartfelt things with only their love and life in mind. But I had forgotten,
His ways are NOT my ways.
His ways are NOT my ways.
My husband left the house and took the girls with him, he was confused and had no answers since I refused to speak. I wrote to him that I loved him and it was because I love that I felt compelled to do this, he left trying to understand... (this is where it gets interesting) I was still upset... not angry but tense. I was still confused, but sticking to NOT speaking. At this same exact time!.. 3 people who are my friends and family in Christ contacted me. Three women all 3 at the same time! (For different reasons of course.. but not really! God sent them to reach out to me at the exact time, I needed them to) I didnt answer their calls, I did instead text that I couldn't speak currently. One of these was my aunt. I briefly explained to her that I was "vowing" to keep silent! Cause I had cursed with my mouth another child of God, and I felt that I could not Praise God with the same mouth!?! I told her that I needed to tame my tongue and humble myself. She instructed that it wasnt necessary, that God already forgave me.. repent and forgive she says. I told her I did and I was at peace with it. That I gladly give up my tongue for Him. And I did, and I was at peace with this choice at this moment. She understood that it was something I needed to do, and respected my choice. ( After all we all have our own very special relationship with God, that is different from anyone else's) I was happy in my choice, and said to her.. " I am glad, and I will wait for the Lord to direct me". I was in silence waiting for an answer, but didnt even know at the time that the bible says...
Rest in Yahweh, and wait patiently for him
PSALM 37:7
Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him.
PSALM 62:5
Sitting up in my loft... I thought I should pray.. then I thought, How? I don't have the words right now to pray. Often when I dont have the words, I sing. So I turned on my favorite station.. K-LOVE then turned on my sewing machine. As i began to sew.. the song I posted above, is what started to play. Slowly.. slowly.. the tears came.. then I wept .. not just on the outside.. but on the inside.. I cried like a child who had lost their parent. Alone... lost... sad.. scared.. ... I cried..
"God.. where are you?" .. "where did you go?"... "Father why cant I feel you?"... "Dont .. ...leave...me". ....
Rest in Yahweh, and wait patiently for him
PSALM 37:7
Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him.
PSALM 62:5
Sitting up in my loft... I thought I should pray.. then I thought, How? I don't have the words right now to pray. Often when I dont have the words, I sing. So I turned on my favorite station.. K-LOVE then turned on my sewing machine. As i began to sew.. the song I posted above, is what started to play. Slowly.. slowly.. the tears came.. then I wept .. not just on the outside.. but on the inside.. I cried like a child who had lost their parent. Alone... lost... sad.. scared.. ... I cried..
"God.. where are you?" .. "where did you go?"... "Father why cant I feel you?"... "Dont .. ...leave...me". ....
A few seconds later... I felt weight lifted off my shoulders, I felt clear.. .. I cried louder and louder, but it turned into tears of joy and smiles.. I felt like a bunch of water sacks had been lifted off of me.. I felt free, and happy and like a child who gets excited for that parent that just walked thru the door. I am not kidding you! I am tearing as I am typing cause this is just so special!!! wow!!
And just like that!!!! I can see clear again... I can feel it again.. the Holy Spirit!! I was blocking it! I was the one taking walking on a path without God.. not on purpose.. but by not allowing him to lead.. but me taking the wheel and "trying" to guide my family to Him. Its so clear now.. and I just cant be grateful enough. Thank you Jesus!! You are the Truth the Way and the LIFE! Forever and Ever Amen!
I was trying to figure out the right things to say, the right prayers to pray. I was trying all too logically to "help" my family come to accept Jesus.. that I became my own problem. I am not responsible directly for their salvation. They are! I need to be a servant to the Lord and my family and through Christ Jesus, His power will shine and help them. Not me, not in My way or My idea of "time frame".
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5
I was trying to figure out the right things to say, the right prayers to pray. I was trying all too logically to "help" my family come to accept Jesus.. that I became my own problem. I am not responsible directly for their salvation. They are! I need to be a servant to the Lord and my family and through Christ Jesus, His power will shine and help them. Not me, not in My way or My idea of "time frame".
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5
So yes, I made a mistake.. I took up anger and frustration when I should have been humble. I prayed so strongly so I could show my family how it is to be in a relationship with the Father ( I should have been praying just to glorify the Lord and give thanks). I tried to do it myself.. I tried to take on the battle and anticipate, arrogantly, the outcome of the battle. I did humble myself.. for Him yes.. but more so to Show my family how it can be. It should have been solely for Him. I needed to stop being me and let Christ work through me. I chose to be in SILENCE, cause I couldn't find the words to say anymore, even in prayer!! Then in a SONG.. the words were there. I owe him my life and I will continue to grow to his glory. Amen!
Oh by the way... the next song....after that
* RISE *
YEP Feeling pretty GREAT! Right bout now!! Praise da Lord!